Miss Lohan, for once, actually said it best:
In case you can’t read size 6 font, that’s In girl world, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it. It’s quite possible that truer words were never spoken. In the Catholic school bubble, I didn’t realize the scantily-clad Halloween phenomenon existed until college, but I made up for lost time by actually wearing my real Catholic school skirt, a white button-down about 3 sizes too small and Victoria’s Secret knee socks. I really hope my parents have never seen pictures from this because it was basically an unspoken version of me saying “Oh hey, you know that skirt I wore every day for four years because you decided to drop five figures a year on high school? Yeah, here’s what I think about that” and spat on the ground. (I like to think I brought this full circle by wearing my VWA uniform to a high school theme party senior year of college complete with white chapel sweater, sneakers and mesh shorts under an unrolled skirt exactly the way I wore it from 13 to 17. A little sloppier, but much more respectable.)
Any lady with an active social life during her years in higher education will tell you that those four (five if you’re me) years are rife with opportunities to wear dismal amounts of clothing. Most embrace this. Some crash diet leading up to All Hallow’s Eve. These girls are crazy. On any given college campus or in any bar from Oct. 26-31, you will see any of the following: Sexy Nurse, Sexy Cop, Sexy Firefighter, Sexy Commercial Fisherman, Sexy Cat, Sexy Schoolgirl, Sexy Teacher, Sexy Librarian, Sexy Trash Collector, Sexy Girl Scout, Sexy Soccer Referee and Sexy Pirate.
Because America is the greatest nation on Earth, this year, my friends, this year you can also run into SEXY ROOSTER.
And, frankly, I hope you do. Poultry’s sluttiness has long gone underestimated. Those fine folks over at Yandy.com have actually come up with nine different variations of the Sexy Chef and 27 different Sexy Beer Girl costumes. This weird Sexy Fox get-up is actually their second-best seller but it looks more like Star Fox than a tarty woodland creature. After we collectively reignited our affections for Big Bird, the Skimpy Halloween Costume Gods (for whom apparently nothing is holy) have even decided desecrate Sesame Street. Expect Slutty Snuffaluffagus to follow. With any luck, this will be the only semi-lasting impact Mitt Romney has on society.
I’m not trying to sound like a pearl-clutching prude here. Hey, if you’ve got the figure and don’t mind tramping about town in something skimpy, more power to you, but you should realize that most of us with more than half a brain think you look ridiculous. Senior year of college, the Hunt coincided with Halloweekend and I chose equine carousing over collegiate tramping. Post-Hunt, we moved the party to the Office in Morristown (day- and night-drinking: something I can no longer accomplish in my old age) where some ladies who were closer to 40 than 30 were knocking back cocktails dressed as sexy nurses and schoolgirls. The bar was empty; what few people were there hadn’t dressed in costume. I’m pretty sure the term douche-chills was invented for this very moment. This very evening inspired me never to dress like a tramp in public after graduating from college. (The length of the skirt I wore yesterday to a sorority alumnae event leaves this up for debate, but I wore tights.) Henceforth, I decided I’d much rather be comfortable on Halloween, which led to the following:
Yep, ZELDA. Long sleeves, weird Forever 21 green dress, brown leggings and brown Uggs. Like being at a bar in your pajamas and the only thing I had to spend extra money on was the shield. (And doesn’t Deb make a fantastic Lucy?) Also, I got hit on by a few nerds. Maybe I can rewear this and be Sexy Sky Fox’s wingwoman?